The pain of rejection and abandonment
I can no longer hide. Hide from the pain and shame I feel of rejection and abandonment. It’s time to fully face it. Once again! I thought I healed this wound by now. But it keeps coming back to me. Apparently it’s not done yet. I would like to share something about my relationship to my father with you in order for more clarity and healing. Thank you 🙏
My father left when I was almost 3 years old, just like Isa is now (probably why this topic is so alive in me now). I grew up without him until I met him again when I was in my early twenties. All those years in between I never really had a father figure in my life. I also always felt rejected and not loved by my mothers new partners.
When I did meet my real dad at first there was anger and confusion. But soon also a great happiness opened up in me and many pieces of the puzzle fell into place. For 3 years we were spending some time together, getting to know each other, having lots of fun, and I was able to experience his fatherly protection and guidance. I visited him regularly in Stockholm, my place of birth, or he came to see me in Amsterdam. We talked a lot about why he left and a lot of my questions about myself and him were answered that time. He supported me in my dreams and financed my Yoga Teacher Training and part of my Travelling around the world. I was enjoying our new found connection a lot, until I got that call from Sweden while I was travelling trough India…
He had a severe stroke and probably only a few more hours to live. I flew back immediately and found him in a coma. After a few months he miraculously woke up again, but lost all his memory, his ability to move, talk, basically everything. I was devastated. Finally I was reunited with my father and now he was taken away from me again. I just couldn’t believe it, what was the meaning of all this?
As months past by he slowly started to talk again and move one arm but he didn’t know who I was anymore. I became a complete stranger to him, which was awfully painful. Both seeing him like this and the loosing of my father for a second time. Now he is laying like this for years already, without any further prospects. I went to visit him yearly, but haven’t seen him for about 2 years now. It became so depressing and painful to watch him in this state. I feel forever grateful I did had the chance to meet him, see how much I look like him, to know more about my Persian roots and to hear from him how much he has always loved me even though he was not there 🙏
But with this last part I apparently still struggle. Even now when writing this I feel a huge tension arising in my belly and heart. Why he left if he loved me so much? Why couldn’t he stay? Wasn’t I worthy enough of his presence, his Love?
This entire life I have always felt very ashamed when being rejected. And a huge pain in my Heart comes to the surface every time it happens. Of course I have attracted people around me that let me experience this pain and shame of rejection over and over again. Until I truly heal it and see that what I am in essence can never be rejected or abandoned. The joke of Life! Sad and funny at the same time! There is an intellectual knowing of this and an occasional Clear Seeing, that it’s just a story and the suffering that is experienced is seen from a deeper place that is not effected, at peace and forever and infinitely Whole.
Deep inside there is a knowing that my happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it’s not given by the other.
In my current ‘relationship’ I have felt rejected and abandoned so many times. It’s happening now as well! I attracted (and am attracted) to a man that can not fully commit to me. Once in a while he steps out of our connection. And often I don’t feel loved and safe in his presence because of that. The first times it happened I felt I was dying and now it becomes more and more easy. But not easy enough yet. Most of the time he came back to me after we learned our lessons. Maybe this time not. Who will tell what’s best for healing…
I have been longing for this Love of the Masculine for a lifetime or maybe many lifetimes already. I hoped to find safety and approval and Wholeness in His arms. When I look at the feminine lineage of my family it doesn’t surprise me I longed for this. It’s a deep imprint in my DNA. And I know it’s the longing of most women.
In my own family I see there is always been a dependency on men. In order to be happy you need a man that loves you, that protects you and takes care of you. But I saw this brought mainly suffering and is not the real Love we long for. I know my path is different and I now have the opportunity to move beyond the dependency, the suffering and pain of feeling incomplete.
I can clearly see the invitation from Life now to find Love and Safety and Grounding in mySelf. Not in others. It is time to heal this wound, this deep imprint of pain, this emotional scar, this feeling of not enoughness for once and for all. Not only for myself, but also for all the Women in my lineage and for the collective of all Women on this Earth.
I have felt so frustrated to find my heart shattered, broken, crying again and again when I receive the message from the man that I love that he don’t want to be with me or needs a space away from me or wants freedom or can not love me etc etc. It’s a loop that goes on and on! I want break the spell. It’s distracting me from ‘my’ True power, my True Self. I want to be that woman that feels so Free inside, so full of Love for her Self, so Whole and so in trust with Life, that nothing can hurt her or bring her down. Because she knows Who She Is. She is Love Itself.
I know I am getting closer and closer to that Woman every day. She is already me and always have been. I just have to rediscover Her. Where I used to go hysterical and felt my whole life was falling apart every time someone sayed they want to leave me or don’t like or love me, now I just feel ripples of sadness, anger, frustration and confusion. I let all these emotions pass by, express them, feel them, doing my best to embrace them but don’t let them cling to me for too long. And although I cry from time to time, although I scream from time to time, although I feel fucking scared about the Unknown most of time I trust that the Universe is showing me the way to Love.
SO! I am just sharing this as a part of my healing. To find more clarity in myself while writing down whatever comes up and needs to be seen. There is no shame in feeling ashamed, I am done hiding and playing small.
So this is not a sad story. It’s just another story that now longs to be released, so that Pure Unconditional Love can reveal Itself.