I would like to share something with you. Something that changed everything for me.
A while ago I was talking with a male friend of mine, who was in my opinion bragging a bit about the many women he used to date at the same time. He said something like “I dropped one off at the train station and half an hour later the next one would arrive and a day later another one” while having a big smile on his face. “Eventually I chose …… to be my girlfriend, she was the lucky one” he said.
This triggered something in me and I made a mean comment. It felt to me he was not respecting or valueing these women. Like men are the ones who get to decide who they want to be with, for how long, how deeply etc. And us women are just waiting for them to finally choose us. Because let’s be honest here, after being intimate with a men most women just hope for more. When we open ourselves intimately we emotionally get connected whether you like it or not. It is just in our nature to want commitment so we can finally feel safe.
Later that day this friend came back to me and said he was a bit hurt by my mean comment and wondered why I reacted like that. This gave me the opportunity to look deeper within myself. And so I did. First of all I had to admit to him that his story in some way also hurt me, even tough it was not about me. I told him that the way he shared made me feel women are the weaker species. That we have to feel lucky if they choose us after first trying out many of us. Like we are just some candy in a candy store. I discovered in that moment that it made me feel so powerless as a woman.
In that time Wouter and I were still separated and even tough I accepted our break up in some way, I couldn’t deny that my heart was still with him. I knew that if he would change his mind and wanted me back I would probably say yes again. And I hated myself for that! I didn’t want to want him anymore. It made me feel so weak . But I just couldn’t help it. I just loved to Love him.
It became clear to me now why I had felt so triggered by my friends story. Because it reminded me of myself, also somehow waiting for him. Waiting for his approval of me. Waiting for him to love me. Waiting for him to choose me. Waiting for him to step forward.
Then and there in that moment with my friend I suddenly had the clearest insight. I was the one who is making myself weak and powerless, not them, not him. I was simply giving my power away and playing small because I was so afraid to get hurt again. But in each moment I DO have the choice to step into my power. To make that step forward and stand for my own Truth. Regardless of the outcome. I remembered another (male) friend told me to look forward to being rejected. He said, If that is your biggest fear then start to look forward to it. Because whatever happens it will be a win-win situation. And I suddenly totally understood this now.
I realised that when I am speaking my Heart I am authentic and truthful towards myself and that is actually the most important. This is what it means to love your self. If he would answer my longing I would get what I want which is of course amazing. But if he would reject me again it would be a moment of growth for me. Because I faced my biggest fear and I survived it. I am still here and I am becoming this fearless warriores who is not willing to compromise her truth for fear of pain. A woman who is learning and growing trough her experiences and living life fully. Yes, the beauty of being totally YOU and loving WHAT IS is just priceless.
When this landed that day something shifted in me. I decided not to be afraid any longer, not to feel shame for what I feel, to love regardlessly and in this way reclaim my power. I decided from now on to always choose LOVE over FEAR. I thanked my friend for this beautiful moment of inquiring we had together and knew what I had to do.
That night I stepped forward while fully opening my heart to Wouter and looked him deep in the eyes and said: I would like you to come and lay behind me tonight. I wish to feel your warm body again next to mine. I felt so confident and empowered in that moment. And he surprisingly responded: I would like that too. And so it happened we found each other once again and slowly reignited our relationship. Mean while we have been back together for more than 8 months now enjoying our LOVE!
I thought this moment of saying goodbye to the little girl and stepping into my Big Woman may inspire you!